How to make decisions that feel right for you: Using your values as a guide
How do you know whether a decision is really right for you? When anxiety, expectations, habit and all the things you think you should do get mixed together, it can be surprisingly difficult to hear your own voice.
Learning to make decisions that reflect your values isn't about always knowing the answer. It's about slowing down enough to notice what matters to you and making choices that feel more aligned with the person you want to be.
What should I do?
We make decisions all day long. Some barely register (do I want peanuts or crisps?!), while others have the potential to change the direction of our lives. Should I apply for that job? Do I actually want to spend my weekend this way? Is this relationship still right for me? Do I want to stay where I am, or am I ready for something different?
When we're trying to make a decision, our attention often goes immediately to finding the right answer. We weigh up the pros and cons, ask other people what they think, imagine all the possible consequences and try to work out which choice will lead to the best outcome.
Sometimes that is useful. There are practical realities to consider, after all. But there is another question that can easily get lost amongst all that thinking: What matters to me here?
This is one of the ways authentic living becomes something much more practical than simply "being yourself". It happens in the small and large decisions we make about how we spend our time, who we invest in, what we pursue, what we tolerate and what we decide to leave behind.
Why can it be so difficult to know what we really want?
It would be lovely if we all had a clear internal voice calmly telling us what we wanted and which direction to take. In reality, our inner worlds tend to be rather noisier than that.
You may hear yourself thinking that something is the sensible thing to do, that other people will expect you to choose a particular option, that changing direction would be risky or that you should be grateful for what you already have. Perhaps you worry about making a mistake, disappointing someone or regretting your decision later.
Some of those thoughts may contain useful information. Others may be anxiety, habit, fear of uncertainty or beliefs you've absorbed over many years about what a good, successful or acceptable life is supposed to look like.
We don't develop our ideas about how we should live in isolation. Families, relationships, culture, education and previous experiences all contribute to them. Over time, the distinction between this matters to me and this is what I've learned I'm supposed to want can become surprisingly difficult to recognise.
Values are different from rules
When I talk about values, I don't mean another set of standards you need to live up to.
Values aren't rules such as I should always put my family first, I must work hard or I ought to be a good friend. In fact, if we turn our values into rigid rules, they can become another way of judging ourselves.
Values are more about the qualities and principles that give our lives meaning. Connection might matter to you. So might freedom, creativity, security, honesty, curiosity, compassion, adventure, learning, independence or fairness.
There isn't a correct list, and your values don't need to look impressive to anyone else. The important question is whether they genuinely matter to you.
It can be useful to ask yourself what you want your life to stand for, but sometimes that question feels far too big. Instead, think about moments when you've felt particularly like yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? What was important about that experience? Equally, think about times when something has felt deeply uncomfortable or out of alignment. What was missing or being compromised?
Our emotional responses can sometimes give us clues about what we value.
What happens when our values compete with each other?
Even when we have a clearer sense of our values, they don't provide a neat answer to every decision.
You might value security and freedom. You may care deeply about connection with other people while also valuing independence. You might value achievement but increasingly recognise the importance of rest. You can value kindness towards somebody else while also needing to act with self-respect.
This is why authentic decision-making isn't simply a matter of identifying your values and then doing whatever they tell you to do.
Sometimes there is no choice that allows us to honour everything that matters to us at once. Choosing one direction may mean giving something else up. A decision can therefore be right for us and still involve sadness, doubt or loss.
The task becomes less about finding the perfect decision and more about understanding what matters most in this particular situation.
Creating space before deciding
When we're anxious about a decision, there can be a powerful urge to resolve it quickly. Uncertainty is uncomfortable, and reaching a conclusion can temporarily relieve that discomfort.
But urgency doesn't always create clarity.
If you can, give yourself a little space before asking, What should I do? Notice what is happening internally first.
What do you actually feel about the options in front of you? What do you find yourself wanting when you aren't immediately correcting or talking yourself out of it? What are you telling yourself you should do? Are there expectations belonging to somebody else in the room with you, even if that person isn't physically there?
You might also notice fear. What are you afraid would happen if you made the choice you are drawn towards? Are you worried about failure, judgement, uncertainty, disappointing somebody or discovering that you made the wrong decision?
Fear deserves to be listened to, but it doesn't necessarily deserve to make the decision.
Once you've noticed some of this, you can come back to your values. Which parts of yourself do you want to honour here? What kind of person do you want to be in the way you respond to this situation? Which choice allows you to live more closely in accordance with what genuinely matters to you?
Sometimes a useful question is:
If neither option felt completely comfortable, which choice would leave me feeling more aligned with myself?
The right decision may not feel good
We often imagine that when we finally arrive at the right decision, we will experience certainty or relief.
Sometimes we do. But not always.
A decision can be deeply aligned with your values and still make you anxious. You might feel guilty about disappointing somebody, frightened about stepping into something unfamiliar or sad about what you're leaving behind.
This is particularly true if you have spent a long time organising your choices around other people's needs or expectations. Acting differently may initially feel uncomfortable precisely because it is unfamiliar.
Similarly, if anxiety tends to demand certainty, you may keep revisiting your decision because you cannot guarantee what will happen next. You may interpret doubt as evidence that you've made the wrong choice when it is actually evidence that you're doing something important without knowing exactly how it will turn out.
Authenticity does not remove uncertainty from our lives.
You don't have to know exactly what you want
There is another pressure we can place on ourselves: the idea that if we were sufficiently self-aware, we would always know what we wanted.
But sometimes we genuinely don't know.
You can be thoughtful, emotionally aware and connected to your values and still feel torn. You may be changing, which means something that once fitted no longer does, while whatever comes next hasn't yet become clear. You may need to make a decision with incomplete information. You may discover what matters to you only by trying something and noticing how it feels.
Authentic living isn't a finished state in which you finally know yourself perfectly. It is an ongoing relationship with yourself.
That relationship involves paying attention. It means noticing when something no longer feels right, becoming curious rather than immediately dismissing your responses, and allowing your understanding of yourself to develop.
Authenticity is built in ordinary moments
We often associate authenticity with significant life changes: changing career, ending a relationship, moving somewhere new or finally pursuing something we've wanted for years.
But most of an authentic life is much less dramatic.
It is built through repeated moments of checking in with yourself. How do I want to spend this evening? Does this friendship still feel reciprocal? Am I agreeing to this because I want to, or because I feel I ought to? Is the way I'm working sustainable? Do I still want the things I have been working towards?
None of these questions means we should simply do whatever we feel like doing in each moment. We have responsibilities, commitments and relationships that matter to us, and living according to those may itself reflect our values.
The difference is that we begin to become more conscious of why we are making the choices we make.
Over time, those small moments matter. They create a life that increasingly feels like one we are actively participating in rather than one we have somehow found ourselves living.
Perhaps, then, the question isn't always: What should I do?
Sometimes it might be: What matters to me here, and what would it look like to honour that?
You may not immediately know the answer. Taking the time to ask is already part of living more authentically.
Where to go next…
If this article has left you wondering how much of your life is shaped by what you genuinely want and how much by expectations you've absorbed along the way, you may also like to read Living authentically: Have you lost yourself along the way?, where I explore how we can gradually lose touch with ourselves and begin finding our way back.
You may also find The fear of being seen helpful if you recognise that you know more about what you think, feel or want than you allow other people to see.
If you would like to explore your own values in more depth, my Living in Alignment workbook offers a structured way to consider what genuinely matters to you and how you can begin bringing more of that into your everyday life.