Learning to trust yourself again
Many of us have learnt to trust other people’s opinions more than our own thoughts, feelings and experiences.
This article explores how self-trust can become weakened, why anxiety keeps us searching for certainty, and how we can begin developing greater confidence in ourselves, including trusting our future selves to respond to situations we cannot solve in advance.
In my previous article, What if I'm the Problem?, I explored why so many of us are quick to doubt ourselves and search for answers about who we are through other people's reactions.
As I was writing that article, I realised it naturally led to another important question: If we stop looking outside ourselves for reassurance, what do we begin building instead? For me, the answer is self-trust.
This is something I explore regularly with clients in the therapy room, and it is also something I continue to practise in my own life. I've learnt that trusting yourself isn't a destination you suddenly arrive at, but an ongoing relationship with yourself that asks for patience, self-compassion and the willingness to keep returning to yourself, especially when life feels uncertain.
I hope this article helps you begin thinking about what it might mean to trust yourself a little more.
What does it mean to trust yourself?
Trust is something we often think about in relation to other people. We wonder whether someone is reliable, whether they will keep their word, whether they will treat us with care or whether they will be there when we need them. Far less often do we stop to consider another question: Do I trust myself?
For many people, the answer is not straightforward. They may trust themselves at work but not in relationships, or feel confident making practical decisions while doubting every emotional response. They may constantly wonder whether they are overreacting, seek reassurance before acting, replay conversations long after they have ended or ask several people what they think before considering their own view.
Self-trust does not mean always knowing the right answer, never needing advice or feeling certain about every decision. It means developing confidence that your thoughts, feelings and experiences are worthy of your attention, and that you will be able to respond to what happens even when you cannot know the outcome in advance.
How we lose confidence in ourselves
A lack of self-trust does not appear from nowhere. Sometimes it develops because our feelings were frequently dismissed, minimised or misunderstood. We may have been told that we were too sensitive, dramatic or difficult, or learnt that expressing our needs created conflict. Perhaps we discovered that life felt easier when we deferred to other people, kept the peace or accepted their interpretation of events rather than risking disagreement.
Over time, this can teach us to look outside ourselves for an explanation of what is true. Other people’s opinions begin to carry more weight than our own. When someone disagrees with us, we do not simply consider their perspective; we assume they must see something we cannot. When a decision feels difficult, we search for someone who can tell us what to do. When an emotion arises, we question whether we are entitled to feel it.
Gradually, we can become disconnected from our own internal signals. We may still have instincts, preferences, emotional reactions and needs, but we have learnt not to trust them.
Why anxiety keeps us searching for certainty
Anxiety makes self-trust particularly difficult because anxiety does not like uncertainty. It wants guarantees that we will make the right choice, say the right thing, avoid regret and prevent anything painful from happening.
When those guarantees do not exist, anxiety encourages us to think harder. We analyse every possible outcome, rehearse conversations, revisit decisions and gather more opinions. We may believe that if we can only think about the situation for long enough, we will eventually reach a point of complete certainty.
Unfortunately, anxiety makes a promise it cannot keep. One more opinion, one more hour of analysis or one more imagined scenario rarely creates lasting reassurance. Instead, every attempt to eliminate uncertainty can reinforce the belief that uncertainty is dangerous and that we cannot trust ourselves to cope with it.
Overthinking may feel like preparation, but it can also be a way of trying to protect ourselves from ever having to meet the unknown.
Trusting your future self
This is something I often talk about when working with anxiety and overthinking. Much of the worry we experience is an attempt to solve future situations in the present, before we have all the information, before we know how we will feel and sometimes before the situation even exists.
We imagine difficult conversations and try to prepare the perfect response. We run through everything that could go wrong and search for a way to prevent it. We worry about how we will cope with disappointment, conflict, uncertainty or change, as though our present self must find every answer now in order to keep our future self safe.
Beneath this is often a lack of trust that our future self will be able to deal with what happens.
We forget that the person meeting that future situation will have more information than we have today. They will know what has actually happened rather than what might happen. They will have their feelings, their instincts, the resources available to them and the ability to take one step at a time.
Trusting your future self does not mean believing that you will handle every situation perfectly or without emotion. It means recognising that you do not need to solve every possible future problem today. If something difficult happens, you can meet it when it arrives.
Self-trust is not the same as certainty
Many people wait to feel completely confident before making a decision, setting a boundary, beginning something new or responding to a difficult situation. However, confidence often develops after we act rather than before.
Self-trust does not say, “I know this will work.” It says, “I will listen to myself, make the best decision I can with the information I have, and respond to whatever happens next.”
This is a quieter and more resilient form of security. It allows us to acknowledge that we may make mistakes, change our minds or discover something we could not have known in advance. It also reminds us that a decision does not have to be perfect to be thoughtful, honest and right for us at the time.
Trusting yourself means believing that even when you get something wrong, you will not turn against yourself. You can reflect, take responsibility, repair where needed and make a new choice without using the experience as evidence that you should never have trusted yourself at all.
Listening without immediately dismissing yourself
Rebuilding self-trust often begins with noticing how quickly we override our own experience. We may feel hurt and immediately tell ourselves we are being oversensitive. We may feel uncomfortable around someone and decide we are being unfair. We may recognise that we need rest, distance, support or change, but dismiss those needs because someone else might be disappointed.
Listening to yourself does not mean treating every thought or feeling as an unquestionable fact. Feelings are information, but they are not always complete explanations. The aim is not to obey every emotional response; it is to stop treating your internal experience as irrelevant.
You can become curious about what you are feeling, what it might be communicating and what else may also be true. You can listen to other people without automatically assuming their perspective is more valid. You can ask for advice while remembering that you remain the person who must decide what feels aligned with your values, circumstances and needs.
Staying with yourself through mistakes
Perhaps the deepest form of self-trust is knowing that you will not abandon yourself when things become uncomfortable. This is something I am learning in my own life at the moment, and whilst I can genuinely say that it has been one of the most freeing changes I've experienced, I can also honestly say that it isn't easy. It requires conscious practice, self-compassion and, at times, the courage to keep choosing yourself even when self-doubt is pulling you in a different direction.
Many of us can remain compassionate towards ourselves when life is going well, but withdraw that compassion as soon as we make a mistake, upset someone or experience doubt. We begin criticising ourselves, questioning our judgement and wishing we had ignored our own instincts.
This teaches us that trusting ourselves is dangerous because any imperfect outcome will be used against us later.
A more secure relationship with yourself allows for imperfection. You can say, "I made the best decision I could at the time, and I understand more now." You can regret something without rewriting yourself as foolish, selfish or incapable. You can learn without humiliating the earlier version of you who did not yet have the information you have today.
Self-trust grows each time you show yourself that your support is not conditional on getting everything right. It grows every time you respond to yourself with curiosity instead of criticism, every time you acknowledge that you are human rather than expecting yourself to be perfect, and every time you choose not to abandon yourself simply because life has become difficult. Like any relationship built on trust, the relationship you have with yourself is strengthened not by getting everything right, but by showing up for yourself consistently, especially on the days when it feels hardest.
Returning to yourself
Learning to trust yourself is rarely one dramatic decision. It is usually a gradual process of returning to yourself.
It happens when you pause before automatically asking someone else what they think. When you acknowledge a feeling before explaining it away. When you make a thoughtful choice without demanding a guarantee. When you allow your future self to deal with a future situation rather than asking your anxious mind to solve it today.
It also happens when you remember the evidence of your own life. You have already faced conversations you dreaded, decisions you did not feel ready to make, losses you could not imagine surviving and periods of uncertainty in which there was no perfect answer. You may not have handled every moment exactly as you would now, but you responded, adapted and found your way through.
Perhaps that is what self-trust really is. It is not believing that life will always go according to plan or that you will never feel anxious, confused or overwhelmed. It is believing that whatever happens, you will listen to yourself, seek support when you need it and remain beside yourself as you work out what comes next.
Continue exploring self-trust…
Learning to trust yourself is rarely about becoming more confident overnight. It's about gradually learning to listen to yourself, value your own thoughts and feelings, and believe that you can cope with whatever life brings.
If this article has resonated with you, these related articles may help you continue your journey:
What if I'm the problem? – Explore why anxiety and self-doubt can leave you assuming you're always at fault.
Living authentically: Have you lost yourself along the way? – Discover how reconnecting with your values can help you find your way back to yourself.
When your self-worth depends on other people's reactions – Understand why your confidence can become tied to other people's opinions, and how to begin building self-worth from within.
Why are you so hard on yourself? Understanding the inner critic – Learn where your inner critic comes from and how to respond to it with greater compassion.
Looking to explore this more deeply?
If rebuilding trust in yourself has made you realise you've become disconnected from your own values or needs, my Living in Alignment guide (£7.99) explores the concept in more depth. It will help you understand what it means to live in alignment with your values, recognise where you may have become disconnected from yourself, and offers reflective journalling prompts to help you begin making meaningful changes.