4 reasons to open up more
A problem shared…
You are not a burden. You deserve to be cared for and supported as much as the next person. Here are four ways it can help you to open up.
“Why should I open up?”
“No-one can know”
“I don’t want to burden them”
“It’s not their job to look after me”
“They’ve got their own stuff going on”
These are common statements I hear in response to questions I might pose to clients about who else in their lives knows about how much they struggle or what they’ve been through.
Understandably, it can be painful, upsetting or even feel threatening to open up about the things that make us feel vulnerable - often attached to feelings of shame. It is ‘normal’ that you might feel that way. But let’s look at it another way.
The pros of opening up
You give others the chance to get to know and understand you better.
How can someone get to know you, let alone understand how you’re feeling, if you don’t tell them? This doesn’t have to be your whole life story, and you choose what you keep private. But this can be linked to self-esteem (sometimes attached to shame or having been ‘shamed’ by others through our lives). We are all messy, because we are all human! Don’t imagine that everyone else has their s*** sorted out.
We want you to show your great self off to the world. You are worthy enough and good enough to be seen as you are. Stop hiding and let yourself be known.
You can ask for help.
How can others help to support you if they don’t understand what it is you’ve been through or how you can be helped? Yes, it may feel safer to imagine others don’t know how to help you because they can’t possibly understand what you’ve been through or what you need in order to feel supported. But, give them a chance. They don’t know if you don’t tell them (see point 1!) and they won’t know exactly what to do to help.
Something I often say to clients is, “ask them”. If you’re worried about burdening others, ask them if they have the space, time, and mental/emotional resources to listen to you for a moment. Communicating about the communication is the first step. They can say ‘no’ to you if they’re going through something and really can’t be there for you at that time - but then you know for sure, and you haven’t withdrawn based on a faulty assumption.
People aren’t mind readers.
You can still be private to whatever degree you want, but people aren’t able to read your mind. All too often, we hope that others will just ‘know’ that we’re upset or sad or angry and we feel we shouldn’t need to tell them.
Well, if we waited for that to happen, firstly we’re giving our power away to external forces that we can’t control, and secondly, we’re not proactively ensuring that our needs are met. Ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves and for our self-care.
Take charge by being responsible for yourself and your own needs. Ask for what you need because unless you do, no-one will actually know. You may be concerned about being let down or disappointed again (f this has happened to you before, particularly as a child/young person). This is understandable, but we have to challenge the fact that not every situation will be the same. This is the present, not your past. Again, give others the chance. If they do let you down, this is important actual, real-life information and perhaps you need to assess your level of engagement in that relationship. But, they may not - also important actual, real-life evidence that things don’t always end the same way (even if you might be expecting it).
You don’t have to go it alone.
Living with our struggles going around in our minds can feel isolating and lonely. Feeling scared to say anything, or even infer anything, about the difficult things we’re living with can be draining and maintains our hyper-vigilance.
We are social beings. However, due to difficult early childhood or life experiences, relationships can feel dangerous and threatening. We had to/have to learn to keep ourselves safe in a variety of ways - one of which may be keeping quiet and carrying on alone. That’s ok, it’s been helpful to you… you’ve been coping. But, there may be different people around you now, in the present. It’s a leap of faith, but we have to challenge ourselves to do different things. If we don’t, nothing changes.
Again, you get to choose who you share with and how much you share. Just because it’s helpful to share doesn’t mean you need to feel completely vulnerable and unsafe (although of course you may feel a little vulnerable at first). Take small steps at first.
Ready to try?
Although you can’t imagine doing it, you can’t imagine it being useful, you may never have done it before, and you feel scared and nervous, opening up can help you. It really does help people.
Reach out. Try something new. Experiment with opening up, just a little with a trusted person at first. Review what happens. How do you feel? How was it received? Were you supported? What would it be like to share more? What would it be like to share with others?
Maybe you now have someone to reach out to during the times you’re struggling the most… Wouldn’t that be great? You’d have proactively created another coping strategy.
Good luck if you’re ready to try.