Finding the right therapist: Why the therapeutic relationship matters
Your relationship with your therapist is unlike any other - it’s built on trust, acceptance, and collaboration.
Learn why finding the right therapist matters and how this unique relationship can support your personal growth.
One of a kind
Counselling happens ‘in relationship’. Simply put, you are not alone. You and your therapist embark on a relationship together. It is called a therapeutic relationship because it is different to any other relationship you will ever have.
It will not be like a friendship, a romantic relationship, or like speaking to your parents, brothers, aunts etc. Your therapist will not be telling you about his/her difficulties or life experiences; he/she is there for you. Because your therapist is not linked to your friends, family, work colleagues, cycling buddies, book club members etc., you can be who you want/need to be when you’re together.
Be accepted for you
Therapists have no vested interest in who you are outside of our room. By this, I don’t mean that we don’t care whether you’re ok or not! But, we don’t require you to behave in any particular way when you’re with us, as you may feel you have to elsewhere.
We don’t need you to be ‘polite’ in order for us to sit with you and work with you.
We don’t require you to be ‘funny’ in order for us to sit with you and work with you.
You will be accepted as you are, unconditionally and non-judgementally. This is also different to most other relationships you will have.
What can your therapist provide?
Someone who is on your side
An acceptance of you – no matter what you say or share
A non-judgemental perspective
Care and warmth towards you
Confidentiality - the holding and keeping of your experiences, thoughts, and feelings
Valuing of you
Respect for you
Safety, steadiness, reliability and commitment
Collaboration
Because two people are in the relationship, it becomes a joint venture. Don’t come to therapy expecting your therapist to do all the work! We will of course be working, but you are also part of the work. It is a collaboration.
It is essential that you have a say, because you have autonomy and choice. You may not feel as though you have the luxury of these qualities elsewhere in life initially, but a therapist will be encouraging them in you. If you want to change you have to be the key to that change and your therapist will be alongside you all the way.
What if we don’t get on?
Sometimes, the therapeutic relationship doesn’t work out between two people due to a variety of factors. This is ok. Therapists know that success in therapy is in a large part down to the relationship we can build with our clients. So, seeking a therapist you can click with and safely and comfortably open up to is really important and should be top of your list when sitting with a therapist for the first time.
It’s not all heavy and serious, sometimes there is the opportunity for humour and laughter in therapy, which adds to the strength of the relationship. I often reflect on how honoured I feel to have many strong therapeutic relationships with my clients.
New to therapy?
If you're thinking about starting therapy, it's completely natural to have questions. You might be wondering what happens in a first session, whether therapy is right for you, or simply what to expect.
I've put together a short guide to help answer some of the questions people often ask before they begin. I hope it helps you feel a little more informed and reassured as you consider your next step.
If you'd like to find out whether we're a good fit, I'd be happy to answer any questions and help you decide whether therapy with me feels right for you.
Book an initial conversation →