Boundaries and People-Pleasing
Making space for your needs as well as everyone else's.
Caring about other people isn't the problem. Losing yourself in the process can be.
Perhaps you're the person others rely on. You notice what people need, try to keep everyone happy and find it difficult to disappoint someone, even when saying yes comes at a cost to you.
You might avoid conflict, worry about being thought selfish or difficult, or spend a lot of time wondering whether other people are upset with you.
People-pleasing can look like kindness from the outside. But underneath, there can be anxiety, resentment, exhaustion and a growing sense that your own needs don't quite have the same importance as everybody else's.
Learning to set boundaries isn't about caring less. It's about recognising that you matter within your relationships too.
What can people-pleasing actually look like?
People-pleasing isn't always obvious.
You can be independent, capable and assertive in some areas of your life while still finding it very difficult to tolerate disappointing the people who matter to you.
You might recognise yourself if you:
Say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’
Feel responsible for other people’s feelings
Worry that setting a boundary will upset someone
Apologise frequently, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
Change what you say or do depending on who you’re with
Avoid difficult conversations or differences of opinion
Find it easier to identify what other people need than what you need
Feel guilty when you prioritise yourself
Become resentful after agreeing to things you didn’t really want to do
Replay interactions and worry about how you’ve been perceived
Over time, constantly adapting yourself around other people can make it increasingly difficult to know what you actually think, feel or want.
And when pleasing others has helped you feel accepted, safe or loved, changing these patterns can feel surprisingly difficult.
Why can boundaries be so difficult?
Boundaries can feel difficult when we've learned that maintaining relationships means putting other people's needs, feelings or expectations before our own.
Perhaps you learned that being helpful, agreeable, successful or undemanding brought approval. Maybe conflict felt frightening, another person's feelings took priority, or expressing your own needs was met with criticism, withdrawal or disappointment.
You may have become very good at noticing subtle changes in other people's moods and adjusting yourself accordingly.
Over time, this can create a powerful belief that maintaining connection depends upon keeping other people happy.
The problem is that constantly looking outward for signs that everything is okay can leave very little space to ask yourself whether you are okay.
Understanding where these patterns came from doesn't mean blaming the past. It helps you recognise why something that is exhausting now may once have made very good sense.
Learning to take up your own space
Healthy boundaries aren't walls, punishments or a way of controlling other people.
They're part of recognising where you end and another person begins.
This might include:
noticing what you actually want before automatically agreeing
allowing yourself time before saying yes
recognising that someone else's disappointment doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong
expressing preferences even when they differ from somebody else's
saying no without providing a lengthy explanation
noticing when guilt appears after setting a boundary without automatically undoing it
allowing other people to manage their own feelings
recognising that your needs matter alongside the needs of others
The aim isn't to stop caring what other people think. It's to stop allowing what other people think to determine who you are.
“A boundary doesn’t say that you don’t care about someone else. It says that you are allowed to care about yourself too.”
Healthy relationships have room for two people: two sets of feelings, needs, preferences and limits.
How therapy can help
Many people who struggle with boundaries already know what they should do. The difficulty is what happens emotionally when they try to do it.
You may understand intellectually that you're allowed to say no, yet experience intense guilt when you do. You might know that another person's feelings aren't your responsibility while still feeling compelled to make things better.
Therapy offers a space to understand these patterns rather than simply telling yourself to be more assertive.
Together, we can explore where your beliefs about responsibility, approval and relationships developed, what makes it difficult to prioritise your own needs, and what happens inside you when someone is disappointed, unhappy or disagrees with you.
Gradually, you can begin to make choices based not only on what will keep everybody else comfortable, but on what feels right and important to you.
Together, we can help you stay connected to other people without losing connection with yourself.
Explore articles on boundaries and people-pleasing
If you'd like to read more about this topic, here are some suggested posts:
Explore at your own pace
If you'd like to explore your own patterns around boundaries and people-pleasing, these resources offer a gentle place to start.
Finding Your Voice: A first step out of people-pleasing (free) - A gentle reflective guide to help you reconnect with what you think, feel and need, and begin finding your own voice.
Are You a People-Pleaser? A quick self-check to help you understand your patterns (free) - A quick self-check to help you recognise your people-pleasing patterns and begin understanding how they show up in your life.
Go Deeper
Break Free from People-Pleasing (£15) - A more in-depth guide to help you understand what drives your people-pleasing and begin making space for your own needs, boundaries and choices.
Ready to begin?
If you're tired of putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, therapy can help you understand why these patterns developed and begin finding a different way of relating.
Whether you're looking for short-term support or longer-term therapy, you're welcome to get in touch.
You might also recognise yourself here…
These areas often overlap. You might also recognise something of yourself here:
Self-Worth & Inner Critic
When your sense of worth has become tied to approval, being needed or keeping other people happy.
Authentic Living
When adapting to other people has made it harder to know what you want, need or value.