A People Pleaser’s Guide to Assertiveness
Are you a people pleaser struggling to set boundaries and express your needs? This blog post explores how your communication style shapes your relationships and how assertive communication can help you break free from people-pleasing patterns.
Ready to learn how to communicate with confidence, set healthy boundaries, and influence the way others respond to you - without guilt or fear? Read on!
Understanding your communication style
How would you describe your communication style? Do you feel confident expressing your needs, or do you find yourself prioritising others' comfort over your own?
If you identify as a people pleaser, you might recognise that your communication tends to focus on making others happy. While kindness and generosity are wonderful traits, when they come at the cost of your own needs, it’s time to reassess.
The hidden message behind people-pleasing
What are we really communicating when we say ‘yes’ to keep others happy?
We may unintentionally send the message that our needs are less important or don’t matter at all. Over time, this pattern can lead others to expect us to always comply, leaving little room for our own wants and boundaries. Without realising it, we reinforce a cycle where our voice gets lost.
The power of assertive communication
One of the most effective ways to break free from people-pleasing is to embrace assertive communication. This means expressing yourself clearly, honestly, and respectfully - without aggression or passive-aggressiveness.
Many people fear that being assertive means being ‘rude’ or ‘difficult.’ In reality, assertiveness is about self-respect. It allows us to stand firm in our needs while still being considerate of others. However, shifting from people-pleasing to assertiveness can feel uncomfortable at first.
Understanding communication styles
To help clarify the differences, here’s how various communication styles compare:
Aggressive Communication – Forceful, attacking, or dismissive. This may involve raised voices, intimidation, or even physical aggression.
Passive-Aggressive Communication – Indirect and often laced with sarcasm, resentment, or guilt-tripping. It may include a mismatch between words and tone (e.g., saying “I’m fine” while clearly upset).
Assertive Communication – Clear, direct, and respectful. It acknowledges both your needs and the needs of others, using statements like, “I feel…,” “I need…,” or “I am unable to…”
Why people pleasers struggle with assertiveness
For many people pleasers, the idea of saying ‘no’ or asserting themselves can feel overwhelming. This often stems from deep-rooted beliefs that approval and acceptance are conditional - earned through accommodating others rather than honoring their own needs.
This can lead to:
A fear of disappointing or upsetting others
A habit of prioritising external validation over self-validation
Difficulty recognising personal needs and boundaries
How to shift away from people-pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing patterns takes self-awareness and practice. Here’s where to start:
Validate yourself internally – Don’t seek approval solely from others. Trust that your needs are valid and that setting boundaries is a healthy act of self-respect.
Practice saying no – Start small. Decline minor requests first to build confidence in setting boundaries.
Recognise unhelpful patterns – Notice when you default to saying ‘yes’ out of fear rather than genuine willingness.
Detach from negative reactions – If someone reacts poorly to your assertiveness, remind yourself that their response doesn’t define your worth.
Surround yourself with supportive people – Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and understanding.
Assertiveness in action
Consider the following example:
Lisa: “I feel hurt when you criticise me. I’m trying my best.” (assertive)
Jen: “You’re always upset about something.” (passive-aggressive, dismissive response)
If Lisa were deep in her people-pleasing tendencies, she might respond with:
Lisa: “Yes, you’re right, I’ll work on that. Sorry, it’s probably my fault!” (self-dismissive, prioritising Jen’s approval over her own feelings)
Instead, Lisa could respond assertively with:
Lisa: “It’s not accurate that I’m always upset. But I am upset about your criticism. Can we talk about how we can communicate better? Criticism doesn’t feel helpful to me in our friendship.”
Lisa’s response keeps the conversation open while maintaining her boundaries.
Building confidence in assertive communication
Change doesn’t happen overnight. The first step is simply noticing these patterns. If you recognise that you often suppress your own needs, start practicing how you’d like to respond in different situations. Over time, assertiveness will feel more natural, and the discomfort of disappointing others will lessen.
You may also experience resistance from those who are used to your compliance. That’s okay. Change takes time, and healthy relationships will adjust as you grow. The less healthy ones, ones that relied on you pleasing the other, may not adjust or survive…
If this post resonated with you, you can join my fortnightly newsletter , The Friday Pause, for thoughtful insights, new blog updates, new products, and behind-the-scenes reflections from my therapy practice in Chislehurst.
Understanding ourselves is the first step to living more authentically and contentedly.