Setting Ourselves Free
How do we free ourselves to be able to live as we choose and see that as ‘successful’, regardless of what others make of it? This post embraces vulnerability and forces us to challenge the barriers we put around ourselves.
I’m back! It’s felt like a long time since I’ve put myself out there. I’ve been busy, but more than that I’ve hidden myself away – unconsciously at first.
Then, as the weeks turned to months and a New Year came and went, the realisation came that I was avoiding the external world.
This post is more personal than others I’ve written - I considered reasons/excuses like, “I chose to take a break from social media” or, “this is just my introverted nature”.
While both are perhaps partly true, I decided on balance that I’d like to be more honest, making me feel a little vulnerable but I’m hopeful that this can be valuable for me and for some of you.
Perfectionism & fear of judgement
I try to be professional, respectful and take a lot of different points of view into account when writing for an ‘audience’. I think that’s no bad thing, but I’m also human. So, trying to be ‘perfect’ just won’t work! It’s natural that I may unintentionally mess up, may offend someone, may put someone off, but I can’t let that hold me back. Fearing judgement from others if I get something wrong has held me back and left me feeling fragile for years... It is a constant challenge to just be myself.
Good Enough
Being a therapist, I understand that the key is to accept myself and acknowledge that I have good intentions and try hard to get things right, but that I will ultimately get some things wrong and that this provides an opportunity for learning. So, this is where you find me at the moment. Striving to feel good enough for myself, regardless of what others may think.
Imposter Syndrome
I have experienced negative, critical thoughts, like, “you’re not as good as other therapists”, “you’ve got nothing interesting to say”, “you’ve got nothing new to say that hasn’t been covered already”, “no-one want to hear what you have to say”. I dismiss myself constantly and, not only is it exhausting, it’s starting to frustrate me! Why am I comparing myself to others? We all do it to varying degrees, but it’s so demeaning and unhelpful.
When I force myself to be realistic, the evidence isn’t there that I’m ‘failing’ or not good enough! It’s mainly in my head, and that’s what I’m working on.
Measures of Success
It’s possible that my fear of judgement and resulting tough inner critic have come from the [incorrect and unrealistic] belief that I am not successful enough! I have frustrations with socially defined measures of ‘success’ and assume that I must follow them – I feel a social pressure to conform or at least question whether I am getting things ‘right’. I must admit here that I’m making assumptions about what ‘society’ and ‘others’ find successful.
However, my task this week in therapy was to think about how I define success. What does success mean to me? It’s ok that I have my own version of ‘success’, and it doesn’t make sense for me to strive for things that may not align with my values. In fact, perhaps many of us do have similar measures of success.
My Definition of Success
I’m happy with the list I’ve come up with. It helps me to remember that I am successful in the ways I value, but there are still areas to work towards. I have huge insecurities about saying “I am successful” out loud! It could be perceived as arrogant and/or boastful. But, valuing myself is essential for my ability to feel good enough and self-confident enough to set myself free and get back out there.
What are your measures of success? What is it that helps you believe you’re ‘succeeding’? Do you often acknowledge that you’re ‘succeeding’, either to yourself or to others? I’d be so interested to hear from others on this topic so please feel free to reach out to me directly or leave a comment.
It’s ok to be me
I want to be free and relaxed to be able to express myself. Of course, there will be judgement around, but I can’t let that influence me striving to be myself and live my life as I choose. This is something I very often encourage in my clients, and feel so proud of their bravery when they are able to live a little more authentically as themselves.
Can I challenge you to create your own definition of ‘success’ and to set yourself free from the fear of judgement? And, if you’ve already managed that, what helped you?
I am still learning about myself, and always will be, but I’ve been able to make subtle changes towards self-acceptance and being true to myself. It’s fair to say that, whilst I have no bad intentions, I can’t be perfect, but I can choose the freedom to be myself. So, here I am…
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”