Boundaries Create Freedom!
Recognising where your boundaries need to be according to what’s acceptable to you, and communicating them effectively, is essential to your sense of self-respect and to your relationships.
The subject of boundaries appears in every counselling session, whether it’s something my client and/or I have named or not. It’s an area that all of us can always be working on.
Some clients are aware of the term boundaries, and some less so. In counselling, and in terms of interpersonal relationships, boundaries help us look after ourselves. It’s a way we can ring-fence all of our values, wants, and needs to keep them safe and respected. This isn’t to say we can’t be open-minded, but if we find something unacceptable or disrespectful to us, we make a choice about how we engage with that. Boundaries are a form of self-care.
Confrontational?
Sometimes, clients see putting boundaries in place as ‘harsh’ or ‘controlling’. Sometimes I hear, “isn’t that aggressive?” Not at all. Here’s the gamechanger - you get to decide what and how you want to communicate to others. Sometimes, you may not like other people’s boundaries with you – but when we think about it rationally, others have just as much right as you do to communicate their boundaries.
You don’t have to care whether someone agrees with you or likes you anymore! You don’t have to ‘go along with’ what others think, do, or say if it’s not true to you. If you struggle with people pleasing tendencies, it might be useful to read this blog post.
This is not to say that we don’t care. There is a vast spectrum in-between the two extremes of not caring and putting boundaries in place. In fact, most of the time communicating boundaries can show great care for a relationship. Some relationships are so important to us that we don’t want them to ‘fail’, so sharing how we wish to be treated is absolutely essential.
Your intention
Mostly, we do not have the intention to hurt someone else, so it is important to choose the right way to communicate a boundary. We should never have to justify ourselves, however, we may choose to explain our boundary so that the other person has the best opportunity to understand and respect us, particularly the first time we put a boundary in place.
Understanding that you do not have bad intentions, that you are attempting to look after yourself, and maybe communicating more about that, can help in the belief that you can, reasonably, put a boundary in place when you feel one is needed. Understanding your intention can help you have the confidence to use boundaries.
What boundaries?
Boundaries can be set with virtually anything. Your hours of work, your personal space, time you may need for yourself, how you want to be treated by friends, family or in relationships.
What your boundaries are depends a lot on what your values are and how you wish to live your life and how you wish to be treated. What areas are non-negotiable for you? Who even knows this about you? If you’re seething and resentful that others don’t respect you, have you even communicated how you wish to be treated?! You are ultimately responsible for setting the tone of how others interact with you.
How?
It is useful to use a neutral tone, one that isn’t aggressive, passive aggressive, humorous or sarcastic. I would go for ‘matter of fact’ and use ‘I’ statements for accountability.
Boundaries also need to be consistent – try your best to hold a firm boundary and not back down. If you often use exceptions to your boundary, it may give others the message that you don’t see yourself as important enough and certainly not as important as them!
Boundaries may also need reinforcing. Be prepared to reinstate your boundaries a few times – some people may not remember or find it hard to break their own habits in how they’re used to treating you.
Outcomes
Some people may not react favourably to you putting a boundary in place. But if it is important to you, it needs to be respected. For those around you who are not able to respect your boundaries, there may need to be consequences. You may choose to limit your interactions with them, or not continue to see them. It’s best if the other person is aware of any consequences, so that they can make a choice about how they proceed.
This is in the extreme cases where people are not able to change and treat you in the way that you would like to be treated. We are hoping that most people close enough to you are willing to respect you and their relationship with you to get on board.
Do you want someone in your life that can’t respect what’s important to you?
The ideal
What we’re working towards is you knowing how you want to be treated, communicating how you want to be treated, and others respecting what you tell them. This helps you to feel free to be yourself, and it helps create open, trusting relationships with others.
If you need help understanding what a boundary might look like, where your boundaries need to be or how to communicate them effectively, please get in touch with Jo to book a therapy session here