Male Mental Health
Dear men, please don’t suffer in silence.
This blog is my plea to men who may be struggling to cope in life but who are not talking about it. I take a look at some statistics and share some male client experiences. #talkinghelps
A focus on men
As we head towards ‘Movember’, men’s mental health is firmly on my mind. This isn’t just because I’m a counsellor offering mental health support. It is also because I have many wonderful men in my life, none of whom I would like to think of as suffering in silence.
From a counselling perspective, I wonder if it’s strange to be talking about men’s mental health as a woman? The fact is that I’ve spoken to a lot of male clients; a third of my clients are men. I’m not sure how that compares to national figures, but I’m super pleased these men are seeking help. I don’t know what it’s like to be a man, but I do hear an awful lot about it.
The subject of male mental health comes up in my sessions with men quite often. I’ve had three male clients recently where we’ve discussed the ‘male’ dilemma of seeking help. Of course, there is a slight stereotype at play here; not all men struggle to ask for help, and some women struggle to ask for help. I’m wondering again what the statistics say on this. So, I’ve looked it up…
Understanding statistics around male mental health
In 2016, according to the Mental Health Foundation, 15% of women received treatment for mental health conditions, compared to just 9% of men. However, in 2014, according to Mind, common mental health difficulties increased by 20% between 1993 and 2014 for both men and women. In 2021 in England, according to the Office for National Statistics reported by the Samaritans, the male suicide rate was 15.8 per 100,000 compared to a female suicide rate of 5.5 per 100,000 (because these are rates per 100,000, regional variations cannot be seen). The Samaritans also reported a decrease in the male suicide rate at the start of the Coronavirus pandemic. This is particularly interesting. Can we assume that with less pressure on being male out in the world or a reduced pressure to be a ‘provider’, fewer men feel low enough to consider taking their own life? Perhaps a topic for another time.
What to make of these facts and figures? Whilst mental health difficulties are regularly increasing for both males and females, fewer males are receiving treatment. Is this a factor in the higher suicide rate for men? Undoubtedly.
We can also conclude that the figures represent people known to have received a mental health diagnosis who have admitted to receiving talking therapy treatment. I’m unclear as to whether these figures take private therapy into account, or whether they are NHS figures. So, people who seek therapy privately may not be included.
Another group won’t appear in the figures - those who are struggling but have not sought a mental health diagnosis and not sought help. This includes so many sectors of society, (such as homeless people, the prison population, refugees and others who would not have the means to access therapy, certainly privately, but also perhaps via the NHS), alongside those that feel they can’t open up or ask for help or those who may feel a sense of shame and don’t want to be a burden.
I think one thing we can conclude is that any statistics about mental health, and particularly male mental health, do not present the full picture and that there are probably thousands more men suffering in silence.
Male client experiences
Back to my three recent male clients.
The first highlighted the topic of male mental health, saying how men still find it so difficult to come forward and seek psychological support, particularly blue collar/unskilled workers, in his experience. We were discussing the construction industry, but I’m sure there are other industries this is true for. Whilst keen to be an advocate for male mental health and understanding the challenges, this client had not disclosed to his employer that he was attending a counselling appointment, preferring to tell them he had a GP appointment. He could see the irony. For him, the stigma of a man seeking mental health support was very much still present.
The second client had been moved by reading experiences of other men on the Movember website. This client had succumbed to self-harm before understanding that he needed to speak to someone. A multitude of factors were behind this, and we slowly unravelled how they had an impact on him and how they linked together. This client may even write about his own experiences, so keen is he to spread the word about the importance of opening up as a man. He is also keen to share the change to his quality of life as a result of better self-awareness, understanding, and self-compassion following therapy.
The third male client I’ve been talking to has been struggling with his mental health for years, living in pain, avoidance, feeling unhappy, and now seeing his relationship break down. He knew he probably needed help but found it so difficult to admit to and ask for. As is too often the case for my liking, this client had tried CBT a couple of years ago but didn’t feel a ‘fit’ with the therapist. So even when taking the massive and difficult step of attempting to seek help, he came to a standstill and continued suffering in silence. Thankfully, he has reached out again and I hope we can get him back on track…
When it is so difficult to reach out for help for some men in the first place, can therapists please be clear to new clients that if they don’t feel comfortable in a first session, it doesn’t mean that counselling won’t work for them? It means that they should try another therapist to seek the right ‘fit’. I tell all my clients in their first sessions that it is important they feel comfortable with the person they are opening up to. Hopefully many other therapists do, too. But I digress, perhaps this is also a topic for another time!
Toxic masculinity
We’ve all heard of the term ‘toxic masculinity’. When I was working in a boy’s secondary school, I watched a powerful presentation by a group of year 9 mental health ambassadors to their year group, talking about the struggles inherent in being, trying to be, or wanting to be perceived as ‘manly’. Being ‘strong’, ‘brave’, ‘tough’ and other damaging language needs to end. How boys are brought up needs to be challenged. The idea of what it is to be ‘masculine’ needs to be broader and include terms like ‘thoughtful’, ‘gentle’, or ‘emotionally intelligent’, for example. What other terms would you add?
I can’t stress this enough – your fear of speaking up is nothing compared to the potential damage caused by not speaking up. You don’t have to struggle. You don’t have to keep it all in. You are not a burden. You don’t have to be the ‘strong’ one. You deserve help, support and care as much as the next person. The people around you care about you and would not want you to be struggling. I want to say with 100% conviction that they would want you to seek help and to get better.
If you’re a man reading this…
I found this inspiring blog on Mind’s website, which may resonate with some men. Have a read.
If you’re a man reading this blog and you can recognise some of the struggles of reaching out for help, please, please, speak to someone. Someone you know and can trust, or someone where you can remain anonymous or speak in confidence – perhaps a helpline, a therapist, an online forum, or your GP. Alternatively, if you’re concerned about a male friend, family member or colleague, check in with them. Here is a useful link to Movember’s ‘spot the signs’ web page.
The irony is, it takes a strong, brave PERSON (male or female or non-binary) to recognise their need for help and to take the first step to ask for help. You can be that person. Contact someone – a therapist or otherwise. Just try it.