Compare yourself to others at your peril!
It is so easy to be caught up in what others’ lives look like and what others are doing. Ultimately, this has negative consequences on how we view ourselves. It can be hard work to focus on yourself and to work on improving your own life, but, you are worth doing the work for. Read on to find out how…
Many of us know that comparing ourselves to others is a dangerous game to play.
We’ve heard about it, read about it, talked about it… perhaps it’s a mantra we have for ourselves. But, in reality, emotionally, do you really 'know’ not to do it? Can you really stop doing it?!
I’m an experienced therapist. I’ve been in personal therapy for years. I have many, many conversations with clients about the pitfalls of comparing ourselves to others. YET, I have to remind myself at times that what I have is enough - and that can be a difficult challenge depending on how I’m feeling.
We are bombarded, socially (whether on social media or in conversation), with the best snapshots of people’s lives - people we know and sometimes people we don’t know. I find it an ongoing task to re-focus myself on my own life and my own worth, rather than allow myself to feel lacking in comparison to something I’ve seen or heard.
The things we see are never likely to be the full story and the intention of what people put out there is often not malicious or to make us feel unworthy, envious, lacking, [insert your own word here]. We have to learn to be selective about what we allow to influence how we feel about ourselves.
What are the pitfalls?
With each photo/post/story/comment that you see you are adding a good measure of assumption. Common assumptions may be thoughts like: “That is what getting it right looks like”, “That is what my life should be like”. Common responses to those thoughts may be: “Why don’t I have those things?”, “Why don’t I look like that?”, “Why is my life rubbish?”, “Why am I failing?”
As we can see by this train of thought, we become more negative about ourselves and more critical of ourselves. Neither of which help us to feel good about ourselves, value ourselves and our lives, or appreciate those things that we’re working hard towards and are proud of.
Low self-esteem. If you are continually ‘allowing’ yourself to feel lacking as a result of comparing yourself to others, you are never going to feel good enough or accept yourself. You will start to have a lower opinion of yourself and less respect for yourself. This in turn can affect your confidence, productivity, mood, anxiety, and motivation, which in turn can become a self-fulfilling prophecy because you can no longer achieve things you want to achieve. The, you actually are feeling ‘lacking’ - not in comparison to others - but in comparison of how you know you can be, what you expect of yourself, and what you feel you deserve.
You will never be comparing like for like. No-one has the exact same personality, upbringing, genes and life experiences as anyone else. It is so understandable and realistic that we are all different, but being different doesn’t mean one way is right and one way is wrong. We have to be so careful about any meaning we may take from ‘different’. If you see or hear about a different way of doing something, it doesn’t make it better and your way becomes worse… You do you for all the reasons that make sense to you.
You will become dissatisfied and envious (and perhaps resentful and bitter). We all have our specific issues and difficulties in life, but we all also have those parts of our lives that go well. We have moments (hopefully more so than not) where we can feel content or happy or thankful. You risk stripping awareness of and gratitude for those things away if you compare yourself to others or your life to others’ lives.
How to flip it
Improve your perception of yourself. Find things you can value about yourself and in your life - whether it’s a skill, a character trait, a hobby or an experience - make a list! Force yourself to remember them. Build up a positive perception of your identity. What makes you, you? What makes you unique and special and worthy of self-love, self-respect and self-compassion. Learn to accept who you are and your efforts to work on yourself.
As I always say, this is easier said than done. But, as with most things, it takes conscious effort and practice to work on yourself and to develop and grow. It might feel like hard work, but you deserve it.
Over time, this won’t feel like such a conscious, hard task. It will feel more natural and more automatic. You should see an increase in your self-confidence and self-esteem. Once this starts happening, you will find yourself caring less about what others are up to in their lives. You won’t need to compare yourself to others because you’ll be so focused on how to work on yourself and on feeling content with your life.
Self-awareness
Notice when you are making an assumption about someone else and their life based on ONE post, picture or conversation.
Remember you can’t judge the quality of someone else’s life from ONE post, picture or conversation.
Re-focus your thoughts and energy on what you want to do that will improve your life - even if that is a short list of things you feel grateful for.
Become aware of how you allow your mind to wander and be strict about where you let that take you. Do not be taken to places that mean you are self-critical and negative about the life you are trying to live.